Hear me out. Ever go to a village in a third world country where nobody has fresh water. Your thirsty so your guide gives you a Dasani water in front of everyone in the village. You look at this with disgust and declare "yuck, I don't drink this brand!" I want an Evian. And proceed to dump out the entire contents of the Dasani on the ground. Ok, maybe this is an exaggeration but when I hear someone was actually shedding tears because they found out they were pregnant with a boy when they wanted a girl or visa versa I seriously felt like this!! I legit wanted to punch them. I did not but god knows my opinion for them has forever been distorted since that conversation.
I'm sure there are times in life where I spoke like an idiot and people wanted to punch me in the face. So I guess will not hold it against them forever but it really stung back then.
Back to fertility.....
Let me make this clear. Getting to be pregnant is not a guarantee in life. It does not happen for everyone. Just like some growing old is not a gaurentee. Sh*t happens!! Life is not fair. Heck I would love to call my mom and get some baby advice. Hear her voice again but guess what heaven doesn't take calls so I'm out of luck with that one. We all don't get a turn. Not everyone gets a dad in their life. Not everyone gets to go to college. Not everyone has a meal on their table each day. That is it right there.
So this was not nearly as clear to me back when I was first trying to get pregnant. My whole life it was all about condoms and birth control and don't been a teen mom. So I assumed once the wall was gone it would be a no brainer. Let me tell you....that is now how it went at all. Month after month passed and the only thing I had was another menstrual cycle. Each month I convinced myself that the symptoms of PMS I felt were really early pregnancy symptoms. Again I was wrong. They were not. I was having a period not a baby.
Meanwhile people in my then social circle were getting pregnant like it was freaking chickenpox. Everyone had it! I was jealous.....like super jealous. All I wanted was a baby in my belly. All my health classes growing up made it look ridiculously easy to happen.
A year passed. Still no baby. I would be at social gatherings hearing ladies talking about "ugh I just want to drink beer again". I can't wait until I'm done with this pregnancy. Or " I've been feeling so tired and nauseous. This is awful. " My empathy card went out the window. Like ZERO empathy for any of these people. I was thinking I would freaking throw up every single day if it meant I could get pregnant with a baby. (I think god heard me too well with that one. Based on my second pregnancy where I was deathly ill with that abscess leaking gang green inside me causing my intestines to shut down but I wouldn't change a thing if it meant I still got my healthy baby girl at the end.) I would have sawed off a limb if that meant I could just get pregnant
I didn't know why then (I get it now that I'm no longer in the middle of it) but I felt like a ridiculous failure. I felt like I was letting everyone down. My husband, his family, myself, my family. What the hell was wrong with my body. Each month as another period passed in tears we would get up hopes up that somehow this month would be different. I stopped all caffeine consumption, sweetners, anything I read about that could cause issues with conception.
I got blood tests, an HSG test (which for someone that does not know it freaking kills.) They shoot dye into your uterus and see if you fallopian tubes connect and are open to your ovaries. That body part was not designed to have this quantity of dye shot up into it much like your eye was not meant to be blown up like a beach ball.
The results were in. My tubes were blocked that is why 18 months and no pregnancy. IVF it was. I felt like a huge failure. I couldn't get pregnant on my own. Back then I did over 150 shots into my body over the next 8 weeks. The drugs weren't combined as they often are today and progesterone was used in shot form after the IVF for 8 weeks. A nice big fat long needle with a syringe filled with a very dense material that felt like metal getting shot into my butt. It was worth it. I did not care at all. I would have done anything to have a baby inside me.
It worked, I was pregnant. I finally got what I so badly wanted. Yet with that an intense cloud of fear came over me. Terrified of losing this pregnancy. Of something going wrong that I could have controlled but didn't know to. The anxiety that came over me back then and after his birth is a story for another time. Too long for this blog.
I now have three children. I will tell you this. I was told it was IMPOSSIBLE for me to have another child after my second. After that abscess that consumed my ovary while I was pregnant with my girl. That abscess that nearly killed both of us. My doctor with 2 decades of experience and the head doctor at his practice told me I never need contraception after baby #2. Heck I couldn't be pregnant in the first place on my own because of my tubes being blocked so losing an ovary just brought the odds down even more. He didn't know I dreamed of 3 kids but I accepted happily be blessed with two children and forever grateful that I was even able to have one child at all. Well he was wrong. 5 months later I was pregnant on my own with no fertility medication with baby #3. The greatest blessings of my life. People ask me if I cry when I type. Writing this about getting pregnant with my third child brings tears to my eyes right now. They told me never again. They told me I couldn't. I will tell you something. From my experiences "They" know nothing. Between my fertility, cdiff, and abscess. When "they" tell you something and you questions it. Trust your gut!!
Thank god "they" are clueless and were wrong or I wouldn't have 3 gorgeous children. To this day if I hear someone is seriously sad or in a funk because they found out they are pregnant with a boy and wanted a girl or the opposite I seriously want to punch that person in the face. I'm a civilized human so I won't physically touch anyone but in my mind its like "BAM" what the hell is wrong with you.
I do get it now that I'm further away from that life experience. People only know what they have experienced in life. I'm not perfect. I'm sure I have been that punch worthy face about other topics that I was didn't know I was clueless to like I mentioned in the beginning. I do my best to be aware. Till next time. Thanks for reading!!
#fertility #ivf #hsg #anxiety #fertilitydrugs #gettingpregnant #miscarriage #fallopiantubes #blockedfallopiantubes #pregnant #failure #mentalhealth